Cat is snoring her head off.

It’s particularly hilarious.

It’s the sort of night where I don’t want to be around anyone and sit in my own delusional state of mind.

I asked my student educator if the two days I had off during placement could be put by the wayside and not documented (as I am aware of multiple other students who have previously, and currently been awarded this very thing).  She seemed appalled I would even ask such a thing, ‘No!’

Well I tried I guess, I do feel like an idiot asking though, especially when I knew she was the sort of person to say no.  She’s a woman that works too closely to the book.  Every second has to be made up.  Only another week to go, but after this conversation with her I just want to get out of there as fast as I can so she doesn’t make any more judgements about me…plus she gives me my final assessment.

I didn’t realise I’m lacking so much self confidence.

Something I have picked up on lately.  My whole life people have been telling me to acknowledge when I do a good job, be proud of my work and take compliments…because apparently I don’t?  This placement in particular, every mentor I have had thus far has called me up on having too much self doubt, needing to relax and show more confidence in my ability to do tasks.  Which is a fine and fair assessment, only that I feel I have been called up on it so many times recently.  I mean even my therapist has been telling me basically the same thing since I first started working with her.

And I hear them, I hear them all.  It’s just really starting to bother me.  It feels so personal, like I only I can make these judgements of myself.  And if I sit down and really think about it, their assessments are valid, but consistently being told the same thing will not help me.  I always thought that I was good at acting and pretending I was confident with things (which I have clearly demonstrated on so many occasions when I have had to do things that I don’t want to do.  I will often volunteer to do things first and stand up in front on the class…or whatever).  I don’t know, maybe I do all those things to hide the fact that I have a problem with it.  I think maybe the fact that RT is a teamwork thing may have something to do with it, as someone else is also relying on me.

I don’t know what to do with this assessment.